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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!