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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject