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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...