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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?