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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.