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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.