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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.