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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.