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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.