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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!