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I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.