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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
That moment when being uncool, is cool