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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?