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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.