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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.