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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.