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Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Keep calm and drink on.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.