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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.