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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor