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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.