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I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Real friends show me their boobs
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...