Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!