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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!