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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.