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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.