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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
I just threw up my weekend.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.