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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
Save water- shower with me!
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!