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When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.