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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."