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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.