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Married sext: Iām not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.