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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......