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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.