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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
I had your cake and ate it too.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.