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What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!