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I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.