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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But Iām skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.