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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
only 9530 days until retirement.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.