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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.