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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I think, therefore i`m single.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
I put the PRO in inappropriate!