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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.