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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.