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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.