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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I’m late for a disappointment.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”