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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.