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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?