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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.