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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.