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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
How Big is Infinity?