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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?