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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Dear Santa, I was framed!
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
TEIAM - problem solved
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.