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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.