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If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?