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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!