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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."