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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.