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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.