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I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?