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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2