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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.