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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.