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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.