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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.