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[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?