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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
I need a partner in wine.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?