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Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.