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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.