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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.