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“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!