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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm