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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.