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Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.