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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.