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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
I hate when the remote is way over there
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....