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Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.