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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Check out more at Almost Silly Statuses
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.