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I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?